An Open Letter To The Women Who Carry Around Victoria's Secret Shopping Bags Like Purses

I don't know what the hell you think you're doing. When you were getting ready for work this morning, there must have been a moment when you thought: Oh look, the ridiculous little Kate Spade knockoff I bought in Chinatown is much too small for my carefully Ziplocked lunch and Harlequin novel; I'll just go ahead and bring a pink-striped Victoria's Secret shopping bag in which to carry them. That way, not only will I be carrying two bags instead of one, but I'll also be broadcasting to all passerby the possibility that underneath my tasteful capris I might be wearing naughty underpants.

Here's the thing: you look completely ridiculous carrying a tunafish sandwich in a bag that you'd like us all to think recently cradled your latest crop of tissue-wrapped thongs. Nobody cares what your taste in panties is, and furthermore if you'd look around on the subway you'd notice that every other female on the god damned train is also carrying a Victoria's Secret shopping bag. Notice that one woman over there whose shopping bag has been in heavy use for so long that one handle has actually ripped out of the bag and she's forced to hold the bag closed with her left hand instead of casually letting it dangle off her wrist. Is that really what you want to become? Look around, I beg you, and you'll see that there are no fewer than five other women in this car alone carrying the same pink bag. It's neither scandalous nor interesting that you've chosen to follow suit, so please - buy a god damned purse. No, a real purse, one that's larger than your cellphone. And then leave the shopping bag at home.